


Fact and Fiction

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Series: Tony, T'Challa, and Their Gaggle of Children [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Generally plotless, Humor, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Riri and Peter learning to be Avengers also, T'Challa is confused over internet slang, Tony continues to gain kids, and troll the media, but there is a scrap if you look real damn close, the itchy leaves make a cameo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-10 14:17:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8920354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: Peter and Riri sit on the couch feeling properly shamed, not that they meant to go out of their way to run into each other but they both thought they were supposed to go left…“Peter, does your name sound anything like ‘Riri’?” Tony asks, hands planted on his hips. “No,” Peter mumbles, looking at the ground. “Riri, is your right actually your left?” he asks. Riri also looks at the ground, “no, I got mixed up.” Peter and Riri continue to wilt under Tony’s Disappointed Dad Face until T’Challa shows up to rescue them.





	

Peter and Riri sit on the couch feeling properly shamed, not that they meant to go out of their way to run into each other but they both thought they were supposed to go left…

“Peter, does your name sound anything like ‘Riri’?” Tony asks, hands planted on his hips.

“No,” Peter mumbles, looking at the ground.

“Riri, is your right actually your left?” he asks.

Riri also looks at the ground, “no, I got mixed up.”

“That would be fine if you weren’t flying a wearable weapon in the middle of a life and death battle in which you flew directly into one of the people trying to _stop_ the fight. And Peter, how the _hell_ do you mix up Riri and Peter? Come on man, you know better than that.” Peter and Riri continue to wilt under Tony’s Disappointed Dad Face until T’Challa shows up to rescue them.

“Criticize them all you want, Tony, but _you_ were the one who put children into battle. America has laws against that and I know this because your country is particularly offended by child soldiers. So this is your fault as much as it is theirs,” T’Challa says, crossing his arms and giving Tony the Disappointed Significant Other Face.

Tony wilts a little; “to be fair I thought Peter was in college when I found him. What kind of fifteen year old would go running around saving the world? And Riri _is_ in college; forgive me for thinking they both looked weirdly young. Everyone under thirty looks like a fucking baby to me these days, I figured they were starting to look younger or something.”

“ _That_ explains the bursary thing when you showed up at Aunt May’s!” Peter blurts, shrinking back down again when T’Challa turns his harsh look to him. “Sorry. I just didn’t know why he’d say anything about bursaries when I’m not due to be in college for another two years but I wasn’t about to complain about money so,” he shrugs. He was hardly in a position to complain about money high school or no.

“Did you not google me first?” Riri asks, “because I’m really smart and I’ve made a lot of newspapers and stuff with my inventions and I would be really offended if you didn’t look me up.”

“Of course I looked you up, I knew you were a young genius, not a freaking fetus!” Tony hisses. T’Challa covers his mouth for a moment, obviously trying not to laugh until Tony turns around and he gains his serious look back.

“This is still at least partially your own fault for not gathering all the information before you acted, a popular issue of yours might I add,” T’Challa says, raising an eyebrow. Tony wilts a little more and perches on the arm of the couch Riri and Peter were currently sitting on while T’Challa walks away.

“Are we in the dog house?” Riri asks.

“You two are in my dog house until I can figure out how to give Steve a reasonable explanation as to _why_ I would have flown head first into Spiderman. And also how to stall on telling him who Spiderman even _is_. And now I’m in T’Challa’s dog house thanks to you two being a pair of toddlers. Age up. Cat house actually, T’Challa hates dogs. Did I tell you two that he ran into a dog last week and out and out _hissed_ at it? Apparently cat-like reflexes aren’t the only cat-like things being the Black Panther has given him…”

*

“Tony, what is an Internet edge lord?” T’Challa asks.

Tony, in his defense, does his _best_ not to laugh at that but it was hard when T’Challa looked so damn serious. “Basically someone who is overly pessimistic or pretentious, or they purposefully say offensive things to shock readers and later on mock them for being shocked and usually offended. Why do you need to know about Internet edge lords?” he asks. His favorite thing about T’Challa’s being basically ignorant to American slang was that he got to explain said slang to him and the confusion that ensued was _priceless_.

“The children were complaining about Internet edge lords earlier and I had no clue what that was. Honestly your Internet slang is annoying and difficult to keep up with. What is the difference between an edge lord and a troll? They sound the same so why are they different?” T’Challa asks, mumbling the last part more to himself than Tony.

“The point of a troll is to be an offensive dick, the point of the edge lord is to be an offensive dick but pretentiously. They’re a similar breed, but slightly different. Trolls may or may not worship the movies Fight Club and V for Vendetta without actually understanding either film, but edge lords definitely do. See, difference?” Next time he was going to get Riri and Peter in on this so they could experience the joy of watching someone on the outside of Internet culture figuring out what the hell is going on.

T’Challa sighs, “fine, and what is an SJW. I keep seeing that around as well and honestly all these letters and things are very annoying and hard to follow,” he says.

“So are all your sacred lakes according to poor Peter. And itchy plants according to Sam. Anyways, SJW stands for social justice warrior. It’s essentially become a catch all term for feminism lately, but generally it pokes fun and mocks people who take finding the isms in things too far to the point of ridiculousness. Edge lords and trolls often use it. Essentially the terms are used by the politically left and right to mock and offend the other instead of having an actual discussion. Clear?” T’Challa looks pained so Tony assumes that either something isn’t clear or T’Challa just didn’t get it. Tony personally found the whole thing hilarious to watch but hey, he’s a bit of a troll himself. The media being his primary target given how willing they were to believe his ridiculous lies or obvious dramatics. Then they went and turned Tweets into entire news stories. Realistically anyone would do the same if they were as famous as he is.

“I should have stayed in Wakanda,” T’Challa mumbles, “alright now what is an NSFW?”

“Not safe for work.” That, at least, is straightforward. Or at least Tony assumed it was straight forward until T’Challa completely messed it up.

“That is useful, what an easy way to inform people of unsafe work practices,” T’Challa says, going back to looking somewhat pleased.

“Porn honey, NSFW refers to porn or anything sex related honestly.”

T’Challa pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs, “why is it that everything comes back to sex with Americans?”

“What can I say? We’re a randy country,” Tony says, grinning.

*

Tony is absolutely delighted about Harley, one of his supposed children, coming to visit but T’Challa only dreads the new stories that Tony was inevitably going to… _catfish_ the media into producing. Wakanda has consistently been giving him the side eye in regards to this mess for the last six months and he doubted they would appreciate him telling them that he appreciated Tony’s bizarre humor and great ass. Even in the suit he had a great ass. An even better ass if T’Challa chose his clothing.

“We’re gunna have a movie night,” Harley declares as soon as he walks in the door. He looks rather excited about this and Peter and Riri perk up from watching videos of their fight sequences. “It’s gunna be _awesome_ ,” he says, smiling wide.

“A movie night…” T’Challa says slowly, not certain that he was on board with this idea given the state of American media.

“Yeah, to promote family bonding and all that jazz,” Harley says. The child, well _teen_ , is all but vibrating with energy. T’Challa wonders if this one actually belongs to Tony too, but the other two were fake so he assumes this one is fake too. At least the media finally stopped trying to push the idea that Riri was _his_ child.

“Please do not tell me you are in on this… leading the media to believe that you are, in fact, Tony’s biological child?” He should have expected Harley’s snort but he does not so he sighs, resigning himself to more media stories about Tony’s children that are not really his children.

“Hey man, I’m not gunna knock a dad when I find one. The last one I had went to the corner store to cash in a scratch ticket and he must have won because he never came back,” Harley says in far too chipper of a tone.

“Christ kid, how many times are you going to rehash that obviously fake sob story?” Tony asks, throwing a crumpled up ball of paper at Harley’s head.

“As many times as it takes to garner sympathy from unsuspecting strangers,” Harley says in the same chipper tone as before.

“Tell the media that, they’ll love it. It’ll be ‘ohh, Tony adopted a helpless orphan, that is so sweet’,” T’Challa says in a mocking tone, “make up some tragic accident for your mother too.”

Harley’s eyes grow wide nearly in sync with Tony’s, Riri’s, and Peter’s, “that’s a _great_ idea! They would totally love that, and I’ll tell them you adopted me right when you started doing the super hero thing so you had to like hide me away for my safety! It’s dramatic, dangerous, and has just the right amount of responsibility with that danger. They’ll love it!”

T’Challa shakes his head, “no, no, no, no. That was satire, not real,” he says.

“Sarcasm, baby, not satire,” Tony corrects.

“Who cares, you are not telling to media that you adopted a child and hid him in a boarding school,” T’Challa says, “that is irresponsible and it takes five seconds to fact check that story out of existence.”

“Ohh, boarding schools are sexy too. All around this is very sellable,” Harley says, “we can do this!”

“Why can’t we have a normal movie night?” T’Challa mumbles, already longing for five minutes ago when Tony and one of his fake children were _not_ planning stories to fool the media into believing that Harley is a real child. Real fake child considering the adoption thing.

“Okay fine, we’ll figure it out tomorrow. But for now I have movies so bloody Quentin Tarantino probably jacks off to them,” Harley says, pulling several movies out of his backpack.

Everyone cracks up laughing but T’Challa, who sighs and accepts that a normal movie night was not happening in the Stark household. He didn’t even know who Quentin Tarantino _was_ let alone why he would be masturbating to bloody films.

*

Tony curls into T’Challa’s side to read the morning news, excited to see how Harley’s story took. Riri and Peter were instrumental in the construction of Harley’s tragic past and his mom’s supposed hit and run car accident that nicely paralleled Tony’s own loss. These kids were all _geniuses_ and Tony was happy to fake call them his. Except when he gets to the news he frowns because Harley’s story included an unexpected surprise from the media.

“Sorry that Harley’s story did not take, but I told you that your story was a simple fact-check away from being fake,” T’Challa says, sensing his surprise.

“Oh they believed it hook line and sinker, but hey gave him a _sister_. And I have never seen this kid a day in my life so now I have kids that I haven’t even _met_. Do you know who a Kate Bishop is?” he asks T’Challa, briefly forgetting that his superhero network was more overseas than in America.

“I am sorry, did I just hear you say that you have gained _another_ child and this one is some teen you have never even met before?” T’Challa asks, twisting in his seat so he could look at Tony.

“To be fair I met Riri once and she ended up being my kid. Next logical step is assuming kids are mine without me ever having met them. It’s been a long time since I’ve had children scandals and ironically I have more children now than when I was with partners that could biologically have kids. I’m loving it, this is all fantastic news and I’m tracking down this Kate Bishop teen tomorrow. I hope she’s cool and plays along with all of this,” he says excitedly, bouncing in his seat a little.

T’Challa goes to speak but Tony’s phone starts to ring- Harley’s ring tone. “Congrats kid, you have a new sister,” he says in place of a real greeting.

Harley squeals, “she isn’t even my real sister and she can shoot arrows with her toes! Youtube ‘young Hawkeye’!” Harley says excitedly. Twenty minutes of the most badass videos Tony has ever seen (even the _real_ Hawkeye couldn’t shoot arrows with his toes- Tony bet him fifty thousand dollars once and he lost) he decides that if this kid wasn’t in on the media joke he was going to be very disappointed. Harley and the rest of the kids too.

T’Challa simply sighs, “do you know how long it took me to locate Harley’s very much alive mother? Two minutes and forty seconds. Does the media here know the difference between fact and fiction?” T’Challa asks, clearly annoyed.

“Baby, the point is to sell, facts don’t sell and we are counting on that. Harley, get Riri to track her down stat. We need to have a family meeting.” T’Challa groans as Harley tells him that Riri has already found her.

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


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